Photo by Matthew Strickland |
Emily Postapocalypse
by
John Medaille
Men of rank and station are always asking, “What are the manners to which I must adhere in order to maintain my gracious standing in polite society?” It is a question that has become fraught with peril, as ever since the Day of Wrath, permutations of the human form have necessitated certain modifications of that which is held to be courteous, customary and decorous. Mutations, it is well known, occur in even the best and oldest of families, and it always weighs heavily on the minds of the well-bred, how is etiquette to be effected by The Fallout? What rules are to be assiduously observed that will keep one from the horrors of unsuitability?
For example, must the bicephalous gentleman-about-town need doff both his hats when a lady passes?
He most assuredly must.
When examined with a discriminating eye, it soon becomes evident that the rules dictated by the fundamentals of good breeding are fast, unyielding and impermeable, and require only the merest of alterations to adapt to our current age of irradiation, genetic discombobulation and mutant hordes.
Firstly, concerning formal dress. It is an all too common occurrence these days at the theatre, fancy dress ball and public witch-burning to observe the latest crop of nouveau riche warlords sporting the hides, scalps, pelts and skulls of their vanquished rivals about their persons, little realizing that such fobs and gewgaws distinguish one only as an ill-mannered vulgarian. Under no circumstances should a gentleman of taste preen about in such inexcusable fashions. They make one conspicuous, boisterous and detestable, and evoke a certain disagreeability in the wearer. And if one absolutely must bear such totems and trophies of conquest for reasons of political expediency, it is scrupulously necessary that such items be spotlessly laundered, brushed and pressed.
No, it is a far better thing to avoid such ostentation entirely and instead rely on the perennial, double-breasted, swallowtail coat of black or deep blue only, with moderate lapels of satin or velvet, a worsted, cream-colored waistcoat and a decided conservatism in the question of brocade to make a good impression on ones betters, peers and underlings.
Toilet articles are to be of the highest caliber and ought never be discussed in mixed company. Neck ribbons and cravats are desirable, but of inoffensive hues only. Standing collars should be crisp, rigid and faultlessly clean. A non-mutated flower may be worn in the boutonnière, or not, depending on the season and availability. Shoes should be of patent leather and polished to a radioactive glow, and despite recent assertions to the contrary, those members of society with hooves, cloven or not, must by all means be shod at all times in public. White socks are an abomination unto the soul.
Furthermore, men with mustaches should be decapitated for such an impardonable faux pas, and ought to be buried upside-down at a crossroads with a sturdy stake of ash or rosewood through their hearts.
Needless to say, all clothes should be perfectly fit and tailored, and it is without the faintest doubt that the best tailors are to be found among the mole-men and sewer-dwellers of uptown, and it is to these blind and quaintly rodentlike underworlders that the most highly-bred families take all their trade.
Lately, it has become the fashion of the leprous, scabrous and pox-ravaged to wear veils, masks and bags, and we find this to be an acceptable practice as long as these affectations do not encroach too greatly on ones traditional attire. Also, we might add, a few smartly placed wisps of gauze or crepe are ideal for diminishing the sight of unseemly radiation burns, open sores and other pustulating blemishes.
Some among our number of high society have taken to leaving uncovered multiple sets of limbs, vestigial digits and superfluences of eyes, ears and noses. Once again, we find this practice in keeping with good breeding and decorum, as long as the individual tailoring of the vestments has accommodated such extraneous organs, and as long as these organs themselves, no matter their number, fail to include maternal appendages, instruments of procreation or any other protuberances unfit for public viewing. Avoiding these, however, we may all display our mutations proudly, and may we add that there is nothing so dashing in our social circles as to come across a prehensile tail bedecked with a cunning velveteen ribbon. Indeed, it seems no tree-trimming, christening or informal human sacrifice would be complete without seeing at least one.
Next, we concern ourselves with greetings and salutations among the upper orders. When gentlemen of superior class meet, either in passing or as aspect of any given function or ceremony, they are to shake hands in a self-effacing manner, and are always to be ungloved when performing such, except when attending an opera or regatta. One may safely shake hands with the clawed, flippered or tentacled, and with the multi-armed it is only fitting that one shake a single hand, but the limbless and serpentine are to be avoided entirely. When it comes to gloves, doeskin is the last word in manly grace. Upon greeting, pipe smoking is admissible, but cigars and cigarillos should be extinguished in an appropriate ash-receptacle before introductions are made. The bewinged need not hover.
When attending a luncheon, punctuality is paramount. One is to be received by a butler, valet or slave at the entrance, and there divest himself of overcoat, armor or lead shielding. Horned helmets are not to be worn indoors and failure to observe this propriety is sure evidence of a lack of breeding. Those with naturally-occurring horns, antlers or tusks should be ever-wary of chandeliers. Fisticuffs in the drawing room is sternly frowned upon. Avoid unpleasantness. In conversation, one should keep the discussion light, trivial and witty, but not too witty. Do not seem to clamor for the attention of others and do not seek to dominate your fellow guests, and yet, and this above all, do not bore. Keep about your person a disposition of hearty contentment and cheer in moderation. According to good form, never demand fealty or tribute from other partigoers, lest they feel slighted. Never swear vengeance or blood-oaths during the dinner service, lest you be forever branded, oftimes literally, as a cad, ruffian and bounder. One should never impale, stab, skewer or maim an enemy at a function which should be gay. It is untidy, and you will find yourself without repeat invitations to the finer homes. Keep such quarreling to its designated place; the field of combat and the thoroughfare. Any such breach of etiquette within the confines of the luncheon itself will inevitably lead to open warfare, unmitigated bloodshed and the leveling of powerful curses and hexes against you and your clan, horde or cult, as well as being a source of great consternation and distress to your hostess.
When seated, the napkin should be on your left, along with fork, tongs and mallet. The cake spoon should appear at the crest of the plate and should always be pointed in a southerly direction. Knife, soupspoon, teaspoon and cutlass should be to your right and in that order. Waterglass, wineglass, goblet and flagon should maintain a comely inch distance between. Any hostess so deluded as to utilize napkin rings at her table should be scourged or henceforth banished, as such odious accoutrements are known only among the lower orders. Splendidly crafted, a good place setting is a joy and beauty to behold, but a spread that is off kilter and unharmonious is a sure boding of evil fortune and demonic influence, and truly, all attendees at such a luncheon will soon die.
The service, in the homes of the refined, should begin with a clear broth or bouillon, terrapin or marrow is choice. This is to be followed, in short order, by hors d'oeuvres. Pate is acceptable. The entrée should consist of chicken, squab or giant cockroach. Always wield your mallet in your left hand and your cutlass in your right. Then we proceed to fancy cakes and ices. Bear in mind that aspic should, under no circumstances, ever be offered to any gelatinous guests. Lastly, we come to brandy, coffee, tea or blood, preferably served in amaryllis china. Actual vampirism at the table is still deemed to be a transgression in polite society, although only a slight one and may soon become de rigeur. Cannibalism is to be considered, among persons of good standing, utterly taboo, unless it is winter.
At the conclusion of the luncheon, stand and offer your compliments to the lady of the house, excuse yourself and withdraw to the foyer, where you may once again beweapon your carriage and gird your loins. Hostilities may resume out-of-doors presently.
Let this be your guide in communing with the better class of people. Let us carry ourselves with distinction across our cratered and monster-ridden countryside, and thus subdue it. Let us hope for that future day when gone and lost to memory will be the crass and uncouth mutant king, he who is rude in his bearing and unconventional in his thought and deed. He is wanting in cultivation and charm. He delights in his deficiencies. He eats babies. He is blood-smeared and bile-dripping. He is an affront to decency, decorum and civil behavior. When encountering such a personage during a picnic, boating excursion or lodge induction, shun him at all cost and, should the opportunity arise and the occasion merit, discreetly disembowel him on the veranda, for he will never be a gentleman.
In short, these rules of etiquette are absolute, and are to be observed with an adroitness becoming to your breeding, lest your name be besmirched and the flesh flayed from your body. Be unerring in your self-possession, cultured in your tastes, consummate in your civility and always be mindful of that which is the right and proper thing.
John Medaille has been published in Pseudopod, Dunesteef, and the Three-Lobed Burning Eye. He is currently working on a short story collection called:
Hideous Tales of Doomed Spacemen, Demonic Cameras, Protoplasmic
Flesh-Eaters, The Supernatural, U.F.O.s, Interdimensional Beasts,
Evil Children, Misunderstood Robots, Telephone Calls
from Beyond the Grave, Mayhem, Murder
AND THE MACABRE
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